We continue to publish the memoirs of Natalia Belitser, a scientist, human rights activist, and writer (first chapter here).

Riddles and conjectures, determined by memory... Here was a good prompt that allowed me to dive into various memories of when and what and how the hardships of my past life, which seemed almost impossible to avoid, got in the way. After all, how can one not think over and over again about family troubles? (There were more than enough of them). And how do you get rid of the feeling of oppressive captivity that weighs heavily on your consciousness and prevents you from breathing normally?

...Distracting myself from the many individual episodes, the bottom line is that life then continued in an atmosphere of total untruth, in the all-encompassing darkness of the Soviet Union - hateful, ruthless, stupid, but at the same time omnipotent.

Since telephones were tapped, a separate code was developed for negotiations. For example, “Old Man Khottabych” meant Authorkhanov*, and the Soviet government was called “Sofya Vlasivna.” (This nickname was introduced by one of the Resistance's spiritual leaders, a Kyivan, a front-line soldier, a writer, a well-known emigrant, a reliable friend who is now undeservedly forgotten.
And the expression “SV came to me” meant that the police and the KGB, who, by the way, did not get along or cooperate with each other very well, which sometimes played a positive role, came to search the house.)

...Thus, the SV, having created its own poisonous environment, kept the population in it in reliable isolation. The ominous Iron Curtain cut off the world that existed outside from it, and it seemed to be forever. And there was no hope that a miracle would happen, and you would someday see and finally understand what it really is, that mysterious, unattainable world inhabited by normal peoples, not by the product of negative selection, the Soviet people.

...However, some masterpieces of foreign art were available in books, albums, or on movie screens. This took away, though not completely and not for long, from real life.

...For example, that fantastic building by the brilliant Gaudi, which was presented to us in the movie, Antonioni's masterpiece*. I watched that movie more than once. I was always trying to recognize the main message, and at the same time, I was waiting impatiently for the shots of the amazingly beautiful building called the Sagrada Familia. It fascinated me; moreover, it seemed to play no less important a role in the movie than the characters portrayed by the actors. I fell in love with this creation, but it was purely platonic love. Because I never dreamed of meeting the object of that tender love in real life.

...But over time, it happened. I'm in Barcelona, and after the conference* and before my flight I still have three whole days! This time was used fruitfully. I spent half a day in Sagrada Familia. Then, according to the guidebook, I find many more interesting things and precious treasures. Because there, in the charming Barcelona, historical cultural monuments coexist peacefully with examples of contemporary art, which is often challenging and even shocking. (Fortunately, I also managed to visit Figueres, where the Dalí Museum is located).

...I also got to Guell Park, wandered through the terraces and caves there, sat on the famous ceramic bench, winding, warmed by the gentle October sun, and exchanged joyful smiles with other lucky travelers who were also lucky enough to enter that fabulous, fantastic world. (At the same time, my eye unmistakably found and automatically identified Russians. There was no need to hear their language; these creatures were revealed by their frown and facial expression-not smiling, but habitually wary. For they are strangers at this and similar celebrations. Fortunately, there are few of them here; probably because the attractiveness of cafes, restaurants, and shops far outweighed the beauty of nature and art combined.)

...So, decades later, the a priori impossible came true! Because the monster, having fallen, destroyed that Curtain, and with it all its entourage. (Although, unfortunately, as it turned out later, not all of it and not yet completely...)

...But the question arises again: how else was it possible in those distant, now remembered times to hide from that all-encompassing darkness? The spontaneous answer is: only in a dream. (But this answer is incorrect, for there were other variants of escapism.

*Chechen Abdurakhman Avtorkhanov is the most authoritative Sovietologist, the author of a number of important studies; among dissidents, his most popular book was The Technology of Power, which the KGB hunted for homemade copies of with particular passion.
*It is about Viktor Nekrasov.
*The title of the movie is “The Reporter's Profession”.
*Endangered Languages Conference. Nataliya Belitser: Endangered Languages in Crimea/Ukraine: The Cases of Crimean Tatar, Karait, and Krymchak. Barcelona (Catalonia), Spain, October 1-3, 2004.
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