When Vladimir appeared in the studio with such a face, as if he had been heavily drinking with the Deputy Chairman of the Securite Service, Dmitriy Medvedev all night, argued with him about who has a bigger head, and while Medvedev boastfully measured his Aryan skull with a giant tape measure, Solovyov secretly drained half a pint of vodka from him, filled it with water from a flower vase, was caught red-handed in the toilet for drinking the stolen goods and was beaten with a heavy plunger just for telling the truth on air. Somehow everyone immediately thought that Pugachyova ordered him to be beaten up. After all, Pugachyova, unlike Medvedev, is an enemy of the people, whose disastrous departure from Russia, and especially her arrival back, greatly damaged the reputation of the Russian army near Balakleya.

Rumors say that Pugachyova hired Malezhik for the assassination attempt, Malezhik, in turn, hired Boyarsky, but already for a cheaper price. He, being extremely drunk, challenged Solovyov to a duel, grabbed a sword, accidentally stuck it in his own scoundrel, then fainted. Solovyov rummaged through his pockets, found half a pint of vodka, drank it so as not to lose the good stuff, fell drunk with his face down on the edging, and that was it!

However, many people believe that the no less famous Russian journalist Margarita Simonyan ordered the assassination attack on Solovyov. Of course, it was not so much a matter of professional rivalry as of politics. It all started with the fact that recently Margarita got tired of being harassed on Twitter by some vulgar jerk-off (anonymous hooligan), who constantly reproached her in the comments with the number of beavers eaten, unwashed hair, excessive curves and other naturalistic details that were not relevant to the case of the liberation of the people of Bombas. And all of that would have been nothing, if one day the attacker had not drunk an extra half-bottle of vodka and lost his vigilance. "Margarita," he wrote, "do you shave down there (“bist du” in German sounds the same as a female region in Russian)?". God, what a moron. Meanwhile, the last two words were written in German, so it was not difficult for Margarita to guess which secret ill-wisher would so unkindly spam her direct on social networks. After all, everyone knows that now there is no person in Russia who is more obsessed with Germany, the German-fascist theme and personally with Chancellor Scholz in particular than Vladimir Solovyov.

Thus, there is now a well-founded suspicion that Solovyov’s assasination attack was ordered by Scholz. Nobody likes being brought out into the open, and especially European politicians with their hatred for the great Russian freedom of speech and “state approved standards”. To silence an eloquent Russian journalist, Ukrainian punishers were hired for three rusty "panzer howitzers", with one of which the German chancellor carelessly took a picture (ready proof for The Hague!). As night fell, twenty inflatable barges loaded with the Ukrainian special forces went to storm Energodar, but they never reached Moscow, because they were attacked by the cavalry aviation and motorcycle troops, as a result of which five Russian paratroopers in hand-to-hand combat destroyed 400 Nazis with one bayonet-knife shared by all the five. However, it is possible that one of the punishers still broke through and beat Solovyov up.

For 8 years no one can understand the reason for such a strange hatred of the residents of Ukraine for the Russian people. So, on the other hand, if this happened, it is unlikely that the bloodthirsty Binderivets (slang word for “banderovets”, the follower of Stepan Bandera) would have calmed down before hanging Vladimir's offals on the nearest tree branches. Rather, one of their own people was acting here - for example, the war correspondents from Balakleya, who were running past in reeky pants and greeted their well-fed comrades in the rear with cries: "no panic! no panic!". But Solovyov is guarded by cavalry aviation, which not even a mouse can slip past, not speaking about the war correspondents, whose days in this world already seem to be counting down...

In short, something is off here. Someone extremely high-ranking and at the same time trained enough to defeat such a skilled liter-ballist as Solovyov in a hand-to-hand battle is clearly involved in this confusing story - someone, let's say, a judo master. Let’s suppose Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.

Eyewitnesses claim that on that ill-fated morning Solovyov came to the studio straight from the Kremlin, where Vladimir Vladimirovich was beating him and giving incomprehensible orders: "Here's to you for “we’ll just raise an eyebrow and Ukraine will understand everything!”, here's to you for “we’ll take Kyiv in three days!' ", here's to you for “in a week we’ll be in Lviv and then come back!". And Solovyov answered: "Vladim Vladimych, please not in my face, I’m hosting experts today!".

But it was mostly, of course, in the face. According to the rumors, the beating took place with some kind of rubber object. And it was not a butt at all, but something much worse.